etiquette

Originally this was part of the food e-mail, but I've separated them because of length and a different topic. Also, while it is marginally off the organizational topic if you read the long version, you will see it is very anal retentive. This focuses on politeness and rudeness, particularly relating to Philadelphia's supposed rudeness that is very much felt by some and contested by others. In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I find Philadelphians very friendly. I hope this leads to much thought and debate from people who know this and other town's personalities more than I do. I'd also like to say that though I've regionalized this context I think that all places have all kinds of people, I'm just going on stereotypes here.



I am going into this in such detail not only to defend my initial opinion, but also to give my personal thoughts on interaction in Philadelphia, which I hope will be helpful for Sandy and others from the Midwest hoping to work in hospitality industries as well as those who interact with Philadelphians. I should preface this by saying that I will always be considered a visitor from the Midwest as I wasn’t born in Philadelphia, and therefore my estimations may be off. Philadelphian’s should feel free to chime in with thoughts on just how off base I am.

For those who don't feel like reading, this is my conclusion.
There are a few ways of thinking of politeness/rudeness
1)The absence of politeness is rudeness (more common in the midwesst and by people who think Philadelphians are rude).
2)Politeness and Rudeness take extra effort and are reserved for situations when they extra effort is warranted. (Philadelphian laziness)
3)Politeness can be a way to make yourself feel superior to others, which is rude.

The situation
Then on Tuesday, Sandy, Heather, and I went to go to Striped Bass, which I knew was fancy pants. It is in an old bank building and the design is meant to intimidate, from the high wood ceilings to the leather placemats. I had just come from work, but this place clearly was a jacket wearing kind of place. I guess if you are spending $50+ on a meal you want to be fancy all the way. Sandy asked if there was a dress code to which the response was something along the lines of there isn’t, but you may feel under dressed. There were no tables but we were free to eat at the bar, which served the full menu. We were promptly led to the farthest back corner of the bar. If you look at this picture, note the flower arrangement, we were seated behind that.

There is mixed opinion about how snooty they were. I thought moderately, but that was to be expected. I’d always felt that Philadelphia has a fairly relaxed restaurant scene and that you could go most places and people wouldn’t frown on you for being under dressed or the like. Sandy and Heather told stories about going into similarly fancy restaurants in Chicago and having it be a point of fun joking around with people. They felt the initial answer was a little snotty and that the bartender’s food answers were clipped to the point where it was like he was doing a favor to answer your questions. I am going to come back to this conversation at the end of this blog and go on and on about it, but first I want to get to the food, which for most people is the most interesting thing about a blog about expensive food.


To dissect the snooty interactions.
1) Asking if there was a dress code.
a. In the Midwest that I know it is a polite thing to signify that you are aware that you may not be meeting the standards of your host and the host is expected to respond in a hostly manner and make you feel comfortable by assuring you that you are fine. This is all relatively scripted interaction where both parties questions and responses have nothing to do with the actual facts of the situation. It would be rude to not ask about a dress code if you are clearly under dressed leading to the staff huffing and puffing about how you just assumed you could walk in wearing shorts when clearly this was a high caliber place that deserves respect. It would be rude to be told there was a dress code and you don’t meet it so get out (dishonoring the under dressed guest). The interaction of asking about the dress code and being assured that there isn’t one allows both parties to feel better about their presence in the restaurant (for the under dressed guest) and the respect they are receiving (for the staff of the high class restaurant).
b. In Philadelphia, if you don’t want to hear the answer you don’t ask the question. If you want to eat there regardless of the presence of a dress code (which is the assumption of us walking in there), you don’t ask about it and assume they don’t have one unless told otherwise. Similarly if you don’t want under dressed people in your restaurant, you politely tell them that there is a dress code and they are welcome to come back when they meet it. Therefore, by our asking if there was a dress code the response No was meant to assure us that we were fine to stay, but the process of asking in the Philadelphian host assumed that we felt uncomfortable with our dress and didn’t want to misrepresent the looks that we may receive from other patrons. To the Midwestern mind, this is equivalent to saying yes there is, but we will do you a favor by not enforcing it, so be thankful. To the Philadelphian mind, it means no there isn’t but you are in fact under dressed compared to most of the people here.
2) The seating situation is either honestly them trying to put us out of sight, or the fact that fitting 3 giant plates around one of the smallish bar tables would have been quite difficult and one of us would have to sit in the walkway.
3) The clipped interaction with the bartender
a. In the Midwest answering a question with the minimum number of words is rude. If you are talking to people you give them an answer that has a good lead in to future comments or observations on their part to show your humility in not having to have the last word and your desire to continue speaking to them. If you are in a situation where politeness is needed and you don’t want to talk to someone, then you simply answer their question with the fewest words without giving them a lead in to future thoughts or observations.
b. In Philadelphia words are always used economically. So much so that the accent involves its own grammar to remove words (e.g. “call me when you’re done work” instead of “call me when you’re done with work”). Sort precise answers are the norm of interaction. There is no difference in how you respond to people you don’t want to talk to and those you do if they aren’t talking about something that you are interested in. Ignoring people is the rude way of saying you don’t want to talk to them. Talking at a length about things that is common in the Midwest is a way to show you are interested in talking to the person or about the topic and is reserved for those situations.

The way Philadelphian’s interact seems like a very harsh way to most people in the World and especially to the Midwestern mindset. The harshness is real, but when you get used to it there is a certain beauty of efficiency in the interaction. Also, to the Philadelphian mind the ritual dance of politeness that goes on in the Midwest seems an absurd waste of time and prone to pitfalls that come of as being sanctimonious and judgmental. It is a politeness that is full of rules that are easy to break, leading to passive aggressive resentment, when no ill will is felt or intended. Also it makes the rushed Philadelphian think that you are actually interested in them and/or what they have to say because you are showing interest in it. It then seems mean spirited to find out you weren't really interested, but instead only being polite and wasting both of your time.

So again, my lessons learned here are....
There are a few ways of thinking of politeness/rudeness
1.The absence of politeness is rudeness (more common in the midwesst and by people who think Philadelphians are rude).
2.Politeness and Rudeness take extra effort and are reserved for situations when they extra effort is warranted. (Philadelphian laziness)
3.Politeness can be a way to make yourself feel superior to others, which is rude.